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It’s the Coshcast and unlike David Moyes’ latest comments, you’re unlikely to regret that you’ve heard it.

We’ll start on the green fields of England where Arsenal and Manchester City fight a battle of incompetence and incontinence given their leaks at the back, Manchester United battle impotence, and on Merseyside Liverpool smash past Everton while Lukaku – much like Lee Harvey Oswald – can’t actually be seen taking a shot.

There’s also Chelsea, Spurs and absolutely no analysis of Watford against Sunderland before like Angela Merkel we anxiously scan results around Europe, and finally Rishay reports back from Toronto FC’s home opener against Kansas City.