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Au Revoir, Arrivederci, Sod Off

Ah, the January transfer window. A time for rumour, a time for tabloid hacks, a time for your mate’s uncle who works at a barber shop who cut the hair of Anton Ferdinand’s cousin to tell you that QPR are considering ‘raiding’ New York Red Bulls to reunite the Wright-Phillips brothers.

Usually this time of year, fans are focusing on where their team is lacking. At Under The Cosh, we got a little bored of it. We all know that Arsenal need a holding midfielder. We all know about Harry Redknapp’s compulsive need to sign a player he’s worked with before. We all know that some managers will gamble the second half of the season on the transfer equivalent of a hopeful punt up to the big man (Kenwyn Jones, anyone?)

With that in mind, we thought what might be more interesting is an examination of which players absolutely need to sling their hooks and get out of their respective top-six clubs. Who no longer merits their wages? Who has been poor all season – or longer? Who would you drive to the airport to get rid of? We asked fans of the Premiership’s current top six what they thought. So, starting at the top of the table, here we go:

Chelsea – Jesus Martinez – @PP_CFC1905

“With so many valuable players at Chelsea taking up limited squad places, you begin to wonder how to evaluate the squad and decide who the club should let go. I could name a few, but some I don’t see leaving until the summer. For now I look at a player like Mohammed Salah, a player who hasn’t hit the stride needed to play at Chelsea and who has seen limited time on the pitch. Although only 21, Salah could find a loan move very benficial, where he might grow into the great player he could be. Several loan inquiries have been made for the young Egyptian, but Chelsea are yet to disclose anything. If he does go, however, Chelsea would need to look for a more than adequate replacement to add depth to our midfield for the second half of this hectic season.”

Manchester City – JC Plante@jc_plante

“My hatred for Samir Nasri is well known. When your own father calls you a pussy in the press after you hide behind a teammate at the end of the wall – allowing your rival to win a derby – that’s not good. But the tw*t has proved somewhat useful recently. The logical choice is Negredo, who couldn’t score in a brothel since last January, but he’s basically gone. The actual answer is Gael Clichy. He’s taken a step back as a defender and can’t cross for shit. Despite his one goal he’s not exactly a scoring threat. Plus he’s in Kolarov’s way. Only Baines has more assists than Alecks as a defender, and Kolarov is now better defensively than Clichy. The Frenchman is supposed to be blessed with world class pace, but when was the last time he displayed it? Nope, the answer is #GaelOut.”

Southampton – Claire Andrews – @limeeeh

“I was born in England and emigrated to Canada when I was very young, but I’ve managed to get over to St. Mary’s for a couple of games this season. I’m so bloody happy with the Saints right now, I really can’t think of anyone I’d like to see go!”

Manchester United – Supragya Saurabh@redironpriest

Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira – the size of his name somehow ended up relating to the size of the man himself – rather than his stature as a professional footballer, as Manchester United fans would have hoped for.  A Golden Boy once upon a time, our Ando is now not a lot more than the butt of countless burger jokes. Knowing he doesn’t even make bench ahead of a illnes-ridden Fletcher or a rib-broken Herrera – and for his own good, to make the most of whatever career he has remaining – he needs to be sold.

Unless he’s okay with staying on for free and becoming Fred the Red.”

Arsenal – Morgan Rubes – @MorganArseCan

“Picking a player to be sold is a tricky proposition. Do you sell for value or do you sell because they are a detriment? This is an Arsenal team that I feel is one of the closest groups in years. If I was going to sell one person it would be the press. The press is the one attempting to put their influence on proceedings and without the press and their constant rumours, the better. Sell the press.

*Because our very own Mohaned generally seems a lot angrier about Arsenal than Morgan, we decided to include his point of view too*

“Mertesacker. The Big F***ing German needs to go or get relegated to the bench. He’s old, he’s slow, and he needs his centre back partner to clean up after him. Get Koscielny a strong, fast, dominant deep-lying centre back to compliment him. At the most, Per should be getting some cup games or when injuries pile up, which they will. He should not be relied on as a week-in week-out starter.”

Tottenham – Andrew Gaffney – @GaffneyVLC

“When I was asked about who I wanted to sell this transfer window my mind immediately thought of the usual suspects: Beniot Assou-Ekotto and our captain marvel, Younes Kaboul.  However neither of those two are my choice.

It’s with a heavy heart that I put forward Roberto Soldado as my “MUST SELL” nomination.  Those that (un)fortunately follow me on Twitter will know that I’ve been a stern defender of the Valencia-born hit man and it’s partly because of that I want him to leave.

It quite simply hasn’t worked out for him at Spurs.  Part of the blame is the system; part of the blame is on how he has been used but the largest share of the blame lies at his feet.  He is a player that relies heavily on confidence and it tells when he’s through on goal.  He freezes like a rabbit in the headlights.  We can’t afford to wait for him anymore.

I genuinely believe he could still come good at White Hart Lane but too much would have to change for that to happen and bar him, the team seems to be working better than ever.  However, while he remains on the bench; unused, his value and stock continues to plummet.

Be it on loan or permanently, I believe it would be best for all parties that we go our separate ways and Roberto can get back to scoring goals for fun and Spurs can recoup as much as possible of his 28M fee before it all goes down the drain.

Good luck, Roberto.. pero adios.”

So there you have it. The players that fans want out the door. With two weeks left of the transfer window, let’s see if any of these moves happen or whether they will remain pipe dreams. If nothing else, though, at least we can say the January 2015 transfer window brought Emile Heskey back to England. It doesn’t get much better than that.

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