David Moyes: Don’t Look Back in Anger

Well, the deed has been done. Manchester Utd have finally sacked David Moyes after 10 months of abject failure. Moyes has overseen losses to the likes of West Brom, Stoke, Newcastle and Olympiakos. He’s overspent on Marouane Fellaini, pissed off Robin Van Persie, been clueless as to how to get the best of out Juan Mata, and more egregious than any of the above, Moyes handed Nani a new five year contract. Unforgivable!


Anyway, with today’s huge news swimming in our heads, we thought we’d whip up a little poem to commemorate the dour Scot’s short-lived reign at Old Trafford. Enjoy.

David Moyes might have foreseen the gloom,
handpicked by a bloke in his living room,
as he took over the biggest club in the land,
he had no choice but to shake the hand.

He had dreams of Cantona, of titles and cups,
of legends like Beckham, Paul Scholes (and Nicky Butt),
but the squad he inherited failed to compare,
with Rafael and Fabio a scarily shit pair,
with Anderson too fat to manage a full game,
and watching Tom Cleverley causing physical pain.

Moyes sent for reinforcements in the shape of Fellaini,
and left Giggs on the bench thinking “Boss, f***ing play me”
The Belgian was supposed to be Utd’s Vieira,
but has been poorer than the lawyers sent to sign Ander Herrera.

But goals for Van Persie and a win against Swansea
made it seem like perhaps the job was not beyond him,
since August, though, it’s just got steadily worse,
with no chance of retaining a Champions League berth,
and no chance of silverware having been knocked out the cups,
no matter how many teams Phil Jones’ face disrupts,
A bright spark has perhaps been David De Gea,
but Moyes’ eyes have grown bulbous and his hair has grown greyer,
he looks like a man who has barely slept or eaten,
while his side have been repeatedly beaten.

To make matters worse Liverpool are back on their perch,
Utd embarrassed and their honour besmirched,
& Everton will finish higher than Utd…surreal…

David Moyes, please go have a nap and a meal.

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